How to Ease Your Worried Mind?

Stress levels in adults soared, with 42 percent saying their stress worsened in the past year. A survey of eight metropolitan cities, Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, New York, Seattle and Washington, D.C. found that Denver fared the worst. More than 75 percent reported work and money are major sources of stress. People feel trapped due to lay-offs, pay cuts, heavier work loads and health insurance concerns. When you feel a lack of control over your own life, the body can take a hit. Some symptoms of stress include:
headaches
sleep problems
gastro-intestinal disturbances
irritability
substance abuse
hypertension
heart disease
If you feel like anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac, then you’re too stressed (thank you George Carlin for that one). If you drive to work, get out, lock the car and discover your coffee mug on the roof of your car, then you’re too stressed. If your friend asks you “how are the kids?” and you reply “what kids?” then you’re too stressed. You might assume you will feel less tense if you can change some circumstance of your life. You expect to feel relieved if you:
Can get a job.
Can save money.
See the economy improve.
Get health coverage.
Have more time to relax.

Unfortunately the world does not rotate according to our personal needs. It’s healthy to learn to generate a feeling of calm within yourself, no matter what happens outside of your sphere of influence. You might think “it’s impossible to feel calm with so many stress0rs in my life.” Amazingly, you can learn to produce a feeling of calm within yourself with little effort in a few minutes. I’ll share one simple technique with you. This comes from Buddhist monk and peace advocate, Thich Nhat Hanh (tik not hahn). It’s called Wonderful Moment.
Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.
Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper.
Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.
Breathing in, I calm myself.
Breathing out, I feel at ease.
Breathing in, I smile.
Breathing out, I release.
Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment.
Breathing out, I feel it is a wonderful moment.
This simple brief exercise in mindfulness carries within it some serious scientific credibility. First it focuses our attention on our breath. Breathing in, breathing out. Breathing is primary nourishment for the mind and body. Next, we think of the words deep and slow. When we breathe deeply we oxygenate our blood, providing needed fuel to help the brain process more efficiently and effectively. When we think of slow we reduce the speed of our racing thoughts that drive worry. Next we focus on the words calm and ease. We focus our attention on the possibility that in this moment we can feel calm and ease. This sends a message from the brain to the body to relax, reduce the blood pressure and restrictions creating tension in the body. The word smile triggers the face to smile, releasing natural opiates that reduce pain and increase well-being. The word release sends the message to let go of the tension the body holds onto like a gripping fist. With each breath, release tension and worry. The words present moment remind us that life only truly exists for us in this present moment. To feel fully alive we must return to the immediate moment. Finally, the words wonderful moment alert us to the promise of wonder and joy in every instant. Easy and effortless.
In the words of the great Carole King and Gerry Goffin in their song Up on the Roof:
When this old world starts getting me down
And people are just to much for me to face.
I climb way up to the top of the stairs
And all my cares just drift right into space.
The great thing about the Wonderful Moment exercise is you don’t even have to climb any stairs to let those cares drift into space. Breathing in, Breathing out, deep, slow, calm, ease, smile, release, present moment, wonderful moment.

Is this noise inside my head bothering you?

Not just my head, but your customer's head and yes... yours.
Everyone has multiple conversations and priorities going on, competing agendas that come into play every time we make a choice about doing, buying, creating or interacting. I think these voices (and a few I missed) determine which career we choose, how good a job we do, where we shop and what we watch. Here are a few:

The ego--seeks applause and recognition.
The lizard--seeks safety, wants to fit in and not be rejected or criticized.
The artist--wants to be generous, creative and make positive change with impact.
The boxer--wants to poke and be poked, seeks revenge and ultimately victory.
The zombie--wants to turn off and be entertained.
The carpenter--seeks to do useful work, and finish it well.
The philanthropist--wants to help, anonymously.
The evangelist--wants to spread an idea.
And the hunter--wants to successfully track and bring down a target.
There's a lot of overlap here, no doubt about it. Who's winning?

On Learning to Cope with Conflict

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

I fell apart a couple of years ago, unable to cope with the strain I was under—a change in my lifestyle, loss of job security, a less-than-perfect relationship with a parent, bereavement, a painful physical injury, and slowly, through all of that, the blossoming of serious mental illness.
All the while, right up until this month in fact, I’ve been thinking and wishing: “I want all of this to go away, to have never been.”
I shut myself away—terrified of people’s reactions to my mental health, convinced that my life was over at the age of twenty-three. I’d never be able to get a job again. People would be too frightened to talk to me if they knew the truth. I’d never make a friend again, and the ones I’d managed to keep hold of as I gradually came apart at the seams would end up leaving me.
My wish came true as I began to hide myself away. I stopped doing the things I loved, like going out for walks along the riverside and meeting up with close friends. I became a hermit and was pretty relieved to have all of the conflict and the potential for conflict that I was so anxious about vanish from my sight.
I felt safe for the first time in months even though I had sacrificed many of the things I loved. I was happy enough and that was good enough.
It didn’t last long though. The space created by the absence of all that conflict I was desperate to escape was soon filled with grief, disappointment and loneliness. I realized too, that what I had been so eager to get rid of was circling the outskirts of my new found “peaceful” disposition— paperwork that I’d avoided, stories I’d not written because I didn’t think they were worth writing and a constant state of paranoia. Who could I trust?
I think the worst thing that came from isolating myself was how I’d simultaneously isolated my remaining friends, the ones I was terrified of losing through misunderstanding and fear. My mental health had changed drastically and I had pushed away the people that I really needed around me. I not only lost out on a wealth of support but also denied them the chance to learn about and understand me better.
I’m now twenty-five. I’ve been working with an occupational therapist for a few months, trying to tackle the areas of my life and my thinking that stop me from coping and living the life I want.
I smile more. I’ve applied for a job I know I’d enjoy without being worrying about the odds of getting it. And I don’t feel that it’d be the end of the world if things didn’t turn out the way I planned or if I received criticism from someone. I feel more prepared.
I can’t push away my problems and hide from conflict no matter how difficult or frightening it all can be. I can’t avoid it and pretend it’s not there. I’ve learned that in order to be confident and move forward in life, I have to face my problems and stand up to conflict.
I have to approach it not with fear but with an open mind, a willingness to learn. I have to be ready to listen, understand, show compassion and recognize my own flaws. The things that keep me terrified—I have to challenge them.
I still have bad days and I still sometimes hide when everything gets too much. I’m not perfect but then I don’t think that’s the point. We all shy away at some stage and that means we can always try again. I’ve learned, and taken to heart, that the important thing to remember is this: once we’ve managed one conflict, coping with the next won’t be as bad. That’s a great weight to have off your mind.

7 Ways to Get Past Tough Situations Quickly

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.” -Charles Swindoll
One day everything seems great in your world; maybe not perfect, but overall things are going to plan. And then something happens.You lose your job. Or someone you love. Or your home. Or maybe even your health.
It isn’t fair. You don’t deserve it. You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t plan for it. You have so many feelings and frustrations you don’t know what to do first–or if you want to do anything at all.
It would be easier to sit around feeling bad. Looking for people to blame and complain to. Rehashing what you could have done to make things happen differently. Or what you would have done if you only realized before. Or what other people should have done to help you.
All great options if you want to maximize your misery and feel justified in doing it. Not so great if what you want is to deal and move on.
You have to do this eventually when something bad happens; and the faster you do it, the sooner you’ll improve your situation.
There is no shortage of opportunities to practice dealing well. If you’d like to work on improving the 90% of life that is how you respond, you may find these tips helpful:
1. Make acceptance an immediate priority.
Dealing with a bad situation can be a lot like dealing with grief–and people often go through the same stages: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, and so on.
You might not be able to fully squelch your emotions; but you can decide to accept what’s happened, regardless of how you feel about it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can act from where you are–which is the only way to change how you feel.
It’s like the quote from a recent post on getting started when you don’t feel ready: “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take the action and your feelings will change.”
2. Remove fair from your vocabulary.
As kids we’re all about fair. “He took my train–it’s not fair.” “You said you’d buy me a new bike–it’s not fair!” “I had that crayon first–it’s not fair.”
You’d think we’d learn early on that life isn’t fair; but instead we cling to how we think things should be. Hard work should be rewarded. Kindness should be reciprocated. When things don’t work out that way, we feel angry at the world and bad for ourselves.
Feeling outraged about life’s injustices won’t change the fact that things are often random and beyond your control. When you start going on an unfair spiral, remind yourself, “It is what it is.” And then choose a reaction that aligns with the way you’d like the world to be.
3. Focus on the life lesson.
In Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, Richard Carlson recommends pretending that everyone is enlightened but you–that everyone you meet is here to teach you something.
In this way, you’ll see someone who annoys or frustrates you as an opportunity to work on your patience. This same mindset can help improve the way you interpret and respond to events in your life.
If you lost your job, perhaps the life lesson is to determine your true purpose. If your relationship falls apart, the life lesson may be to become more independent. Focusing on the lesson allows you to work on positive change, which will make you feel empowered instead of deflated.
4. Question whether it’s as big a problem as it seems.
We often turn minor upsets into huge catastrophes in our minds. Little in life is as horrible as it appears to be at first. Some things are challenging–like losing your job, your home, or worse, someone you love. But most situations can be solved.
Sometimes they’re even blessings in disguise. Barbara Rommer, M.D., interviewed 300 people who’d had near-death experiences. The majority of her subjects experienced spiritual awakenings, proving that what didn’t kill them only made them stronger.
Whatever you’re dealing with, is it really the end of the world? And more importantly, if you bounced back with an even better situation–a higher paying job, or a more satisfying relationship–how impressed would you be with yourself?
5. Make “Get strong” your mantra.
You may think Kanye West doesn’t have a place in tinybuddha world, but the dude got one thing right: “N-n-now that which don’t kill me can only make me stronger.”
This idea has saved me many times over. At 21 I spent four months hospitalized with a serious illness, and missed my college graduation. So much felt unfair about how it all panned out.
Then I remembered what my friend Rich had told me: “I know you feel powerless right now, but you’re going to rock the world when you get strong.” Whenever I deal with adversity, I remind myself to keep rocking.
6. Remember you can continue from this new place.
It’s easy to get attached to the road you’re on, especially if it makes you happy. When something or someone throws you off, you may feel disconnected from who you want to be or what you want to do in life.
It may help to remember a hurdle doesn’t have to obliterate your plans. Even if you lose your job, you can still pursue your professional goals–and maybe even more efficiently.
There is always more than one way to skin a cat. The sooner you focus on finding a new way, the sooner you’ll turn a bad thing good.
7. Ask yourself how someone you respect would handle the situation.
I recently put my heart into a blogging competition. I had to get votes from the public to win; and I ran a huge campaign to accomplish that. I ended in second place with just over 57,000 votes.
When I didn’t win, I felt disappointed and even a little embarrassed. I’d failed in front of thousands of people. My best wasn’t good enough.
So I asked myself how someone with integrity would handle the situation. The answer: she’d congratulate the winner. Identify everything she learned from the experience. And move on to the next goal with her head held high. Acting on that advice made me feel proud of myself instead of disappointed.
***
People will remember the things you accomplish, but the way you handle life’s challenges can affect them just as strongly. Life happens, and it isn’t always easy. You can bemoan it and fight it, or see dealing with life’s challenges as the most important challenge of all.
You can’t always get what you want; but you can work at being who you want to be no matter what life throws at you.

Right to left

Right to left

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns
from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East,
I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch
as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Zodiac..................

ARIES : Impulsive Aries like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you - so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS : Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china- shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler - god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated

.GEMINI : Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much - they're so naturally chatty and short-attention- spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and un-infuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round - repetition is boring - and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.


CANCER : Cancer is a comfort drinker - and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists - and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO : Leo likes to drink and dance - they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue - and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO : Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure - but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly un-sloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA : "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble - including wearing their wobbly boots waay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO : Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality- altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything - especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS : In vino veritas - and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurriness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else - like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good - natured hi jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN : Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty - no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS : Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative - and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES : If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality - with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

Attitude..........

Life, it is said, is a great teacher. It is indeed an eye-opener on a huge scale. Life presents situations constantly – some of which are easily resolvable, some maddeningly confusing, some totally scary. But anyway one might look at things – the common underlying factor is the same.

Through it all, as we traverse this journey called life, at each and every turn, there is something to be learnt. So is the case with death too. It is a teacher in its own right. And no – I’m not speaking in terms of rebirth. I’m speaking in terms of what death teaches the living.

I realized this after my dad passed away. I realized that one can learn just about as much (maybe more) from death than one has through life. And in saying that, I am talking in terms of societal taboos and societal acceptance.

As we grow, there are certain rules instilled in us – rules which ensure that one stays within the realms of what society considers “normal” and “acceptable”. As we grow, the feeling is fortified by immediate family that it is the family which is the unquestioned support system in times of need. As we grow, the idea is planted by society that one needs to adhere to a certain set of laws that are considered conventional.

My question is – “What is conventional ?” and how does one define the term “Conventional”. Why do people expect others to be bound by conventionality and rules even in extreme situations ? And what gives the so called “pillars of the society” the right to judge people who do not fall within their definition of “conventional” ?

For instance, the day my dad passed away – the house was full of people who had come in to offer their condolences. In the midst of all that had to happen that day in terms of rituals and what have you, there were people who made it their business to comment on the fact that my mother did not howl her heart out. She did not create a scene, nor were there any hysterically emotional scenes. The question in circulation that day, the question that was in vogue that day was “does she not care ? Because if she did, she would not have remained so silent.”

How did these people think that it was their god given right to judge things ? And since when has grief been quantified by the amount of tears shed ?

Different people grieve in different ways. It is pretty much an expression of one’s pain. Like the expression of physical pain which differs from person to person, so does mental anguish and emotional distress. And in the midst of all that angst that we were going through in trying to cope with the loss of a loved one, there were rather blatant questions being put forth – questions that people had no business asking.

People were commenting on the fact that I was not wearing a sari on the day my father passed away. Should this even have been a matter of discussion ? Just in case people had forgotten what they were there for, it sure was not for a fashion show.

And there were many more such instances where the whole thing began to be viewed as some sort of a power play, a circus even. The control freaks had a field day, knowing very well that there would not be any active resistance to the way in which they manipulated situations to suit themselves and their rigid attitudes. That they were wrong to have assumed that is a different story – that would be an essay in itself.

What made me put this into words today is the fact that there was another death in the family about a week back. And it is no surprise per se, but the same scenes are being repeated there by some so called “senior members” of the family. People who “know-it-all”. People don’t seem to learn. Sadly enough, people don’t seem to want to learn.

And it is not an educated guess when I say this – but more of experience talking – when I say that in circumstances like these, when people around you decide and pass judgment as to whether you are in the right or the wrong in having done something or not having done something – it takes a lot out of you to maintain a sense of equilibrium.

And what does one do to find some stability in the face of such insensitive remarks being hurled or inconsiderate questions being posed ?

If there’s one thing that I learnt, it is the fact that one has to learn to “let it slide”. One has to learn not to be affected by the observations and interpretations of all and sundry. If people want to write a review about how one behaved whilst having to cope with the loss of a loved one, let them. If they want to conduct some sort of behavioral analysis and use you as a subject right then and there, let them.

It is not an easy thing to do – definitely not when one is in a situation when one is feeling rather raw and chafed from having to deal with the loss of a loved one, when one is struggling to cope with loss, not knowing how to cope. It is very difficult to stomach such attitudes right then.

But the key lies in “acceptance”. Acceptance of the fact that some people and their attitudes might never change. Acceptance of the fact that it is futile to hope for a transformation. Acceptance of the fact that not everybody lives by one’s own ideals.

And the first and foremost thing that helps in bringing about such an acceptance is one’s own Attitude.



Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~ Winston Churchill
Our attitude in learning to accept that some things and some people will never change, no matter what. Our attitude in learning to accept that while we cannot dictate how others behave, we certainly can control our reactions. And once this attitude is in place, it does bring along with it a rather curious sense of peace. It brings along with it a sense of relief – from not having to clash with someone else in terms of “ideals”. End of the day, in not reacting to situations such as these, what we do ourselves is a big favor. We save ourselves a lot of unwanted mental anguish and superfluous emotional trauma.

This quote by Charles R. Swindoll says it all

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.

The remarkable thing is you have a choice every day regarding the attitude you will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.

And so it is with you. You are in charge of your attitude.